Shit I Hate About Cyclists
As a leftist it’s impossible for me to be in any community for more than an hour without infighting. Here’s the shit that grinds my gears about the cycling community.
Note: I may sound equally annoyed by everything I mention here, but some of it actually bothers me and some of it I just think is funny to complain about. Which is which is up to reader’s interpretation.
Second note: some of these may be repeats of complaints included in this blog post about cycling in Wellington. I don’t know. I’m not going to check.
Lights, or lack thereof
There’s a full spectrum of light options available for cyclists, ranging from “technically better than nothing”, to “LASIK”; and much like the frequency response curve of your neighbour’s stereo system, the middle goes almost completely untouched. I don’t know if some folks are just taking the flat old light off the bike they had as a kid, but some lights are less effective than pissing while you ride and hoping the stream catches the moonlight.
On the other end, medication and therapy are all that’s standing between me and being convinced half of Wellington’s cyclists are in on a conspiracy to trigger my migraines. Hey buddy, we can see you—what we can’t see are all the pedestrians on this shared path that your bright-ass light is casting in shadow.
Not content to simply join the auto world’s current craze of lights designed to enact revenge on all those smug sighted people, there are also those doing field research on how many cyclists and pedestrians have photosensitive epilepsy. Maybe they saw cyclists with lights flashing so slowly that they fully disappear for seconds at a time, and decided to overcompensate by setting their lights to “banned Pokémon episode”.
Some folks have lights mounted on their helmet, which is neat. Problem is when they don’t have any on their bike. Quiz time!
When one rides their bike, are they mainly looking:
a) At the road ahead of them; to spot pedestrians, vehicles, and other hazards? or
b) Up; scanning the face of every passerby, hoping one day you’ll see him and get another chance?
If you answered B: you only loved the idea of him. Also, put a light on your bike.
Of course, some folks have no lights at all. The lack of lights is usually also paired with…
Hi-vis doesn’t make you invulnerable, asshole
The main purpose of lights on your bike is to be visible to others, including pedestrians and other cyclists. You may be visible in the beam of car headlights, but the light coming from my bike is only going to hit your vest the moment I need to take action to evade you overtaking while invisible.
I’m skeptical of the idea that cyclists must wear hi-vis, or that it even does anything.
First there’s the argument of cycle advocates that hi-vis suggests that cycling is more dangerous than it actually is, and I’m inclined to agree.
Secondly, anything that makes you look like a road cone is going to make motorists either tune you out, speed up because “I don’t see any works happening”, or contact a journalist to complain about how safety for road workers is PC gone mad.
Thirdly, I’m convinced that before shipping, hi-vis vests are dowsed in the eggs of a form of brainworm that makes you ride like a complete fuckwit.
Road rules were made for cars. It’s permissible and even necessary for cyclists to break them where following the rules would be dangerous, and where there’s no risk to others. Speeding? Only way to keep speeding cars out of your ass crack. Ducking through a yellow light in the nick of time? You’re now at the back of traffic with no one so focused on overtaking you they don’t notice you’re already speeding.
That said, bad road rules and being on the least dangerous vehicle on the road isn’t a pass to ride like a dick.
Not all hi-vis wearers ride like dickheads. But there’s a pretty strong overlap. Swerving across several lanes of traffic with no lights, overtaking in the dark, riding too fast for the conditions, close-passing pedestrians or other cyclists.
By no means are these behaviours exclusive to hi-vis-bearing cyclists; but some road cone cosplayers act like their hi-vis transmits their location to those nearby to avoid collisions—like the tech-bro fantasy of self-driving cars, but with ugly vests instead of ugly vehicles.
If we were to draw a Venn diagram of asshole cyclists, there’s an even bigger circle full of…
Cyclists, as opposed to people who ride bikes
Imagine you are a local Facebook page contributor, having an aneurysm over the infuriating sight of a cyclist riding legally on the road. Close your eyes. Imagine the cyclist.
What does he look like?
He probably looks like the guy at council meetings insisting that as a long-time cyclist, he doesn’t see the need for new cycle infrastructure.
He probably looks like the bloke standing indignantly with his arms crossed in a photo on an article about how “even cyclists” don’t support new cycle infrastructure.
It’s interesting how the face of the “annoying cyclist”—the Lycra-clad menace wreaking havoc on our roads—is also the face of the “reasonable cyclist”, who can see how this new infrastructure is clearly a sign of a council gone mad.
After years of baseless accusations of assholery for riding their bikes in a legal manner, there’s a subset of long-time cyclists who are eager to prove that the accusations aren’t baseless; by throwing less foolhardy cyclists under the bus.
Here’s a hint, Dave: cycle infrastructure is required for those who aren’t comfortable riding with heavy traffic. If you’re already on your bike, it isn’t being built for you.
As I brilliantly point out in my biting satire about this demographic, road conditions have changed over the decades; and if you’ve been cycling all that time, you’re the proverbial boiled frog* who hasn’t noticed how bad things have got.
*(frogs don’t actually do that, by the way)
I’m one of the folks encouraged by new infrastructure to take up cycling as transport, and for the most part it’s been awesome. In the <1 year I’ve been riding around, I’ve only seen more and more folks riding around on their bikes.
And they’re not just middle-aged dudes riding 30km to get a coffee. They’re women, young and old. They’re parents, with children or with an empty seat for the child waiting for them at home. They’re folks of all ages, wearing regular clothes; carrying anything from a backpack, to a full grocery haul. They’re teens, on their way to school. They’re kiddos on their own bikes, riding alongside a parent.
The response of John from Thorndon? “Fuck them kids”.
When the stakes are this high, the lack of concern for anybody but themselves is particularly despicable. Maybe I can take my anger out on one of them the next time I see them on the cycleways. I’ll immediately know what to look for. There’s no mistaking the…
Lycra Menace
They may be unfairly derided for legally using the roads, and they may tell anyone who will listen “we don’t need cycleways! Pick me!” But once cycleways are built, they will use them. And you realise maybe they do fear death after all, and it may have been that fear keeping them in check while mixing with heavy traffic. Unburdened by fear, the Lycra gang are free to ride like assholes.
Your lane is blocked? Express overt frustration at oncoming cyclists not moving over. Why should I slow down? Everyone knows if you need to overtake, oncoming traffic should yield to you.
Someone going less than 40km/h? Moving over for a comfortable passing distance would sacrifice momentum. Cyclist-on-cyclist collisions usually aren’t deadly, so it’s not a dick move to overtake with a space the width of the ball hairs you shaved off to be more aero.
There’s some talk about the supposed dangers of e-bikes, due to their high speeds. However I’m regularly overtaken at speed by folks fuelled by nothing but flat whites and smugness. The difference isn’t speed; but acceleration.
My e-bike is the perfect thing for getting around the city. I make my way up to the advance stop box, and I’m clear of traffic and going 30km/h by the time the driver behind me has looked up from their phone to notice the light change.
The Pink Guy fan club that ride around on their skinny bikes can go even faster than a Ford Ranger in a school zone; but they take forever to get there, and will blow up like the bus in Speed if they’re ever forced to slow down.
Not sure why they’re in such a hurry; they’re clearly not going anywhere—what would they change into when they got there? I’d say maybe they keep spare changes of clothes up their asses, but given how miserable they all look I suspect none of their doctors have ever been able to successfully check them for prostate cancer.
Plus their outfits suck (unlike the cool denim jacket I wear), and I think sports are boring.
Get a real hobby, like drugs.
Rapid-fire annoyances
Dudes on cycling Facebook pages who post dismissive comments on women’s posts
Heavy rental bikes blocking bike racks? A new cycle lane is too narrow and you keep having close calls? Not a problem for me—a fit and able-bodied man. Maybe it’s your period?
People who do that thing where they wobble back-and-forth to stay upright at a light
What are you doing? Is the floor lava? Knock it off; you’re going to bump into me.
Using phones while riding
It’s not the same as doing it while driving, but it’s still dangerous. And you’re operating literally the easiest vehicle in the world to pull over. The owl will only chase you if you break your streak—you don’t need to do your Duolingo while you ride.
Getting blasted past while you’re waiting at a crossing
Do you think I’m sitting here for shits and giggles? No; I’m respecting the sanctity of the transport hierarchy with pedestrians on top. You’re not getting anywhere any faster—I will see you at the next set of lights. I always do.
Weaving in and out between parked cars
Road code says keep as far left as “practicable”, and it’s not practicable to be winding in and out out of traffic.
Keeping as far left as possible
Buddy you’re riding in the door zone and I’m keeping pace with you at 30km/h. Take the freakin’ lane for Christ’s sake.
Speakers on bikes
General etiquette about public music playing apply here. If you want to share your love of song, put in some effort and sing a capella or get one of those hands-free harmonica things.
The Hutt River Trail
This is for mountain bikes. Hutt councils do not get to claim this is part of a connected cycle network. If you think this windy up-and-down gravel path is a cycling transport connection, no you don’t.
Poor meme game
I stand in solidarity with my fellow cycle advocates, but I think all that blood in our rock-hard glutes is depriving us of the brain blood we need to be on our meme A-game. There are some wonderful cycle advocates out there who I won’t tar by associating them with this blog post, but I don’t think they’ve realised they’re in a culture war—and memes are the genes of culture (yes I’ve read Dawkins I was a very edgy teenager).
Blogs
Making your transport your personality is boring when you’re a car person, and it’s boring when you’re a bike person. Writing blog posts about it is next-level tedium. And then they end with a little “this blog is a reader-supported publication. Please let me fill your email inbox with my oh-so-important opinions. Give me money, even?” I mean, really. Some people need to get a life.